when you get to the point

ok, so hold it against me (if you will) that I'm an ANTM fan, but...
If you can keep that aside for just a moment to hear me out:
I have a real message that can transcend that...
When you get to the point where there has to be a heierarchy, when there can only be one winner... then it doesn't matter where you are. The bottom 2 are consequently also the top 2. both are worthy... in fact, the bottom 3 are also the top 3.
Let me give you a little frame of reference.
I am an engineer, ok, perhaps the farthest thing from the runway, but I watched the ANTM finale and I felt their pain. Struggling to find themselves amongst perhaps the top of their pack in their American industry of today...
I felt things, ok, things that the best of the best feel.
1. Feeling that you deserve the crown just because you've come THIS FAR and are willing to go farther, just to prove (amongst those who have already proven it themselves because evolution hasn't put them on dislay before millions) that you are a top contender...
2. Feeling that you are completely worthy all the accolades that you will receive, and all the glory that your competitors will not, because your heart is just in that right place...
3. Feeling that this is your destiny, and that this is not at all the right of those whom you have competed against, BECAUSE they couldn't possibly understand what it means to be you...
Let's face it:
there's a ton of the best of the best. That just means that you are of the MILLIONS that know that to work hard, is a part of life. This is LIFE.
As long as the world keeps running the rotations that we've known for centuries this will be the truth of the human situation.
ANTM (if you dare to look at it as a parable) tells a lot about the human condition. I found myself with a heart outstretched toward those girls who were still willing to be understood in the face of the public to catch the crown. I feel that they did come in touch with themselves.
Yet, I still think it's more.
If you take yourselves outside of their situation of being on TV and being in a foriegn land... what this can tell us is that, no matter where you are, you're still in your body, going through your stuff, doing what you need to do.
If you can't understand being a model, then understand this: trying to let someone know your intentions, even when the stakes are high, can be known to many more of us than we are willing to recognize...
Whether it's telling your P.O. that you truly didn't mean a heinous mistake, or telling your congregation that you know better NOW, or telling your family that you're aware of a hurtful non repetivie mistake, or telling whoever it is, whatever it is that you need to communicate, it comes down to this:
We are in control of what comes in our future, but only to an extent.
if we aware of the bigger picture, our lives could be different. Let's be aware of our finite-ity, and in it, understand that there's an infinite that is gracious enough to give us a glimpse into what's really important.
In continued trying, know this: there's at least one bigger.

a birthday message

man, life is crazy. last night i began to internalize how blessed i truly am. what's nutty is that i've never taken this fact for granted so much as i didn't understand the magnitude of how different life could have been. case and point: if you graduate from high school with straight A's only to get to college and run into the fact that you read on a 10th grade level. you've been passed through and given accolades just for showing up to class and turning in uncorrected homework. no one advocates for you, and you are a just kid with no true realization of what is happening, only that a 4 year college is going to take you 6 because you won't begin receiving college credit until 2 years in. this is a true story of another person in this world with the heart to succeed, who inherited a headache. i ran SMACK into the situation last night, and woke up with the realization that even though i choose to look at life through rose colored glasses there is some serious work to be done. sure it's a birthday... but guess what? no one's holding the presses, time hasn't stopped. over the past few years my world has gotten larger, time has gotten shorter, and my role has been refined [although my indecisiveness still keeps that role largely undefined].
all i know is that i'll be praying till my last breath...

a political junkie is born (finale)

me as a political junkie was born last night. i just started following the democratic candidates closely. i've always been a huge Obama fan ever since he wrote his book and was on Oprah, so I knew him from previous activities; the man he is as a political figure. community-oriented. diplomatic. resolute with a results orientation. the industry he's been affiliated with is the banking industry. sounds like fiscal responsibility to me. i've never seen a bank in a deficit, and i hope his campaign contributions ARE earning some good returns as he blazes the campaign trail. he's got character for centuries to come.
what did suprise me in debate after debate is how truly impressed i am by all those running against him. i mean this race has got some extremely competent folks going out there.
i just hope that when obama wins the primary, that he chooses Joe Biden as his running mate. they come from 2 different places, but i think they would make a fabulous team. i think hilary as his VP could prevent her from doing some other roles that I think she would fill wonderfully. I can see them all forming a great administration.
uh oh, the latest debate is done buffering... peace [as Kucinich would say]

a political junkie is born (part 2)

it's the policy makers, after all, who let these things ride or not. why? because i'm sure that the pharmaceutical companies had something to do with it. if they did not, why would there be no generic available? if they can't create a product without aerosol that works just as well... maybe 8.5 grams of inhaler medicine is not depleting the ozone layer quite as much as it could save a person's life.
but then what do pharmaceuticals have to do with politics? because there's a lobby for them.
BINGO ~ this is where I found the hidden entrance into becoming a junkie. now, don't get me wrong, I don't think all lobbies are bad. there are some whose causes are right on point with progress. we're talking here about that government sanctioned corruption- so a few bills can slide by, a little power can be at the disposal of a corporations so HUGE money to be made... regardless of any factor besides that $, and so federal bodies can look the other way on certain issues. the potential is devastating.
a little background on my political history: i'm a democrat who, even if i were to get rich enough for the republican party to be in line with my financial exponential growth, would still be a democrat. there's too much BLATANT politics for politics sake in the republican party's primary. not to mention, the republican party got us in a place where our president threatens other nations with world war III and nicknamed himself 'the decider' for us all. it's so unfortunate that he even has the title of president. no thanks, i want nothing to do with them.
the only good thing that fell out of how bush being in the white house is that al gore had the bandwidth to shed light on how the truth can be inconvenient.

a political junkie is born

the catalyst was when i went to fill a prescription for my albuterol inhaler, and was quoted $20. "$20!" I exclaimed... "for my last prescription it was $7!!!" the pharmacist explained that there was a mandate that outlawed the CFCs (chloro fluro carbons) that my generic inhaler released into the ozone layer because it was an aerosol, so now I have to buy the brand name at over double the cost... I'm pretty ok financially, all things considered, so even though I was VERY disturbed by this strange turn of events which I NEVER SAW COMING, I was ok to swallow the $13. It wasn't until i got home and realized that i had to take this inhaler 3x more times than my previous that i became PISSED. I'm not supposed to be taking a "rescue inhaler" more than 3x per week... this one, on a bad day, I had to take at least 5 puffs at one time just to calm any symptoms.
can anyone tell me this...
WHY IN THIS WORLD would a product be eliminated from the market that was used for the medical benefit of thousands, and replaced with a substandard product which costs the consumer over double the money for less than a canister on the order of less than 10 grams, while my hair spray is in an aerosol bottle at home with over 30x the capacity.
look, if I had to choose on a day when my hair was dull and I was having an athsma attack SIMULTANEOUSLY which of these should be more tightly regulated... which do you think I would choose?

an old friend called her domain 'abandon'

such a fresh freshman... so ready for everything. 17 years old, one of the few not at 18 quite yet. too bad life kicked my ass and sent me straight to Jesus... very good move by the way. seven years later, all wrapped up in adulthood and willing to only show myself to the one i can call my man (who i don't know yet in my singleness); so my outlet is here. hate it or love it. not a whole lot of details but right off the dome. no rhymes, cuz it's a different kind of free-stylin'. i'll try to keep the grammar correct so anybody can understand. my pretend roommate in '00 had an alias called 'abandon' online. even though she was a writer by nature and i am the farthest from it, i finally understand even if I still only give this power over to God. Number4