oh magnify the Lord with me

anger inside; the enemy LIEs.  what a scheme; when sitting next to a breakthrough. 

saying goodnight to ---

the runaround.
they think me, even me
deaf dumb crazy and stupid
trying 2 be just very very cool
when He knows the truth
they are wrong; two days behind and five caches short --
washing their hands of the matter
seeing the domesticated
seeing some perceived inefficacy
seeing not the big picture yet the small recent memory fragments
that man's world -
this hard examination
He also told me, don't you dare give up
speak up, hear down

nonstop

the "shutdown" option: useless.  a five year shutdown led to a single day solution.  a six year shutdown led to no solution at all.
the "wide open" option: as terminal as a few holes in the chest.  as bullet after bullet after searing bullet pierce through, you regret not having worn a bulletproof vest.
the "look elsewhere" option: exhausted.  looking anywhere else seems like a destiny toward a heroine overdose.
the "so what?" option: a damn lie.  living a lie is even harder than crying the tears of truth.
the "use it" option: painful.  as good as it sounds, who has ever found joy in being used?  feeling used is typically a declaration of having been manipulated and taken advantage of.
so on the options come and so on the options go; the futility of options is nonstop.
sleep could not come because the tears were nonstop.
tears kept coming and the thoughts were nonstop.
thoughts hit me hard; their truth was nonstop.

what's in a boo

i'm between corinne bailey rae's "trouble sleeping" and kenny latimore's "for you."
you might think i would have learned by now after the pb dibacle of 2010 that i shouldn't fall, but i'm a smitten kitten.
he didn't have to do much either, just tell me that he doesn't believe in divorce reminding me of what i once believed and say that children mean you stay together reminding me of the beautiful emanuel wedding.
i can't say that i'm head over feet, but i can say that i'm well on my way.
$%&#!

a greater love

it is newer and nicer.
it is my strength, yet i didn't embrace it.
it is straightforward, yet so hard to grasp.
it is here, now it's my turn to experience it.
i wanted it all for myself, yet knew its power was farther than just me.
i wanted to give it away, but its sweetness made me selfish for it.
i thought i wasn't worthy of it.
i will fight the enemy of it to my death...

an end to the shame spiral

i felt it, some kind of attack; i lashed out.
truth be told he didn't deserve it. he has a walk too. was i to scorn his walk, and put thorns in his way? was i to make him question what he knew, bring doubt into his belief in redemption? am i a warden? a crab in a barrel? that crab in reference to the fact that when you put crabs in a barrel every time one tries to climb out, the others pull it right back down...
"they are just people too..." -Debby, in reference to our discussion on men
on the grow it's tough to come to terms with all that i fail to understand, especially with all the growth that is already in motion. i try desperately to wrap my head around things that i really don't need to know at this point. one of the proverbs says it nicely when it speaks of not understanding everything along the way.
one man's ephiphany is another man's cliche, i once said.
i think i need to live this one: "let go and let God..."
and this one too, "take time in life, you('ve) got (a) far way to go..."

from mentor and friend to acquaintance

i don't know when it happened, but it did.

i think it was the day when i told her i liked hip-hop music.

she is a strong christian, sanctified, commanding the utmost respect.
she got a whole lot of mine, and i followed in kind in my faith, as best as i knew, to the point of almost losing myself... but so much of me remains.

i like hip-hop, still do, so i reminded myself of the lyrics that remain with me even now.

"i wanna take your misery, replace it with happiness but i need your faith in me, i'm a sucka for love..." - 2pac Shakur, "Sucka for Love"
"what (do) you call an infinite brawl, eternal souls clashin(g)? war gets deep, some beef is everlasting..." - Nas, "One Mic"
"i can't see them coming down my eyes, so i had to let the song cry..." - JayZ, "Song Cry"
"Never looking back or too far in front of me, The present is a gift and I just wanna be..." - Common, "Be"

i don't know if that's exactly why she flipped, but if she would take the time to listen as closely as i have, i think she might possibly like hip hop music too.