the naivete can only be surpassed by the need to try...

given the climate of terrorism and racism recently...
let's try --

compassion.

the idea is simple.

pierce the heart of the enemy -- not with the bullet or arsenal, but with the pure soul's battle cry. 

after all, it has been said that we have more in common than indifference amongst this human race.  the complexity exists in stripping away the separation to find that purity of soul.

even I second guess any attempt at a naive try.

how could forces so hell-bent on destruction be moved by something that speaks so squarely to its own humanity?  

really, do we even hold the same definition of humanity?

moreover, could appealing to one's humanity persuade another so willing to snuff out human life to choose nonviolence?

 

even in the wake of these unanswerable questions, i ask the humane among us: 

what would your letter be to a person set to carry out a murderous, perhaps suicidal,  plot against lives to persuade them to choose peace instead?

yes, i do ask for a work of words so profound that brainwashing and hate could be penetrated by a shared concept of good news to us all.

is it possible?

maybe not.

but, then again, maybe.

yet and still,

the naivete can only be surpassed by the need to try...

this time it's not eloquent

you know why?

because 

eloquent diminishes the pain i felt.

eloquent denies sitting here with the aches and feeble bandages that give 30 minute cures for an ailments i can only wake up to in a few hours.

eloquence is overrated.

i'm choosing real faith.

"real faith takes guts. raw courage.  iron conviction.  pure confidence.  even when it's painful to keep believing you keep pushing because you know where you're going and your doubt is no match for your determination…"

i will add the eloquence back in later.

almost lost my life...

holding in that breath.
though a realization of something much greater occurred:
it had been crooning since my youth; it is called the greatest love of all.
its truth sometime frustrates me, though more often frees me.
wanted so badly to have it externally first.
as in a taste,
as in a touch -- to resonate through my experience and deeply into my soul.
that was unrealistic; possibly short sighted.
for you see, greater is He who lives within me than he who is in the world.

...deep breath in… circa 2/1/14

we fog up the windows when we hold hands.
my old soul listens to 2nd that emotion and I cannot suppress my widest grin.
however;
the dynamic makes me nervous.
his practicality paired with my whimsicality can coexist, but just like our interlocked fingers I want to feel more than coexistence.
just want it all to be like when we fog up the windows when we hold hands.
…exhale...
…inhale...

iso (in search of)

I am an 'all in' type of girl, iso - an 'all in' type of man.
Though, why am I in search of,
when I should be sought after.
He does not want to be an afterthought just as I do not seek to be an afterthought.
He loved me first.
He never lets me go, even when I've given in to what's around me.
He never gives up for one second, though I give up for five seconds.
He loves me unconditionally, through my imperfections.
I know my love is strong and sufficient and sexy, and I also know that He is not him.
So, being that I do not believe in a 'zero sum game,'  will I be with my 1+1=10 man?
Will he look out for me and find me?
Will I be able to recognize him in all this noise?
Will he see strength and celebrate?
Will he see weakness and love?
Will he be here in rhema time?
The questions are open.
The statements are not.

some mary

some marry for money or politics.
I marry for neither.
some marry for citizenship or divorce.
I marry for neither.

I marry for love, faith, hope and the future.
we all know the greatest of these.

lega sea, lega nocean; singa song, singa pore.

looking back was the sin of the sea, the folly of the ocean.
how do I remember a single man's wedding? 
who's whose in this town?

a beautiful coastline?
a lovely scene?
was that all these people think about? 
all those people value?
what about what's real?
what about the reality of possibly losing the gorgeousness of a joyous ending?

the prayers continue.
 

he loves me, he loves me not

I met a King.
I don't want to rule, he said.
I couldn't help but ask, 'why king?'
I listened, and his answer sounded just like this:
'why would I want to rule without my queen?'
'I love her more than words, her joy is more precious than any    THING.'
'her smile lights my day.'
'her love knows no bounds, hers is a HUM.UN.GO.US. love.'
'her single child, would be THE child.'
'her single meal, would feed the nations.'
'yet, my rule says stay away, rule from afar.'
to hear.
to see.
the king with everything, including power, wanting only his queen.

as for me, I turned my face toward the hummingbird outside the window, and stared.

how wide how deep how great

how deep is your (L word) for me?
tell me, "what it is going to be?"
do you see yourself messing with a person like me?
on your own, or so all your friends are all going to see, now?
-a sisquo song

who can tell the difference between yesterday and today?

"keep your words nice and sweet in case you have to eat them."
-a queen i know


 

oh magnify the Lord with me

anger inside; the enemy LIEs.  what a scheme; when sitting next to a breakthrough. 

saying goodnight to ---

the runaround.
they think me, even me
deaf dumb crazy and stupid
trying 2 be just very very cool
when He knows the truth
they are wrong; two days behind and five caches short --
washing their hands of the matter
seeing the domesticated
seeing some perceived inefficacy
seeing not the big picture yet the small recent memory fragments
that man's world -
this hard examination
He also told me, don't you dare give up
speak up, hear down

nonstop

the "shutdown" option: useless.  a five year shutdown led to a single day solution.  a six year shutdown led to no solution at all.
the "wide open" option: as terminal as a few holes in the chest.  as bullet after bullet after searing bullet pierce through, you regret not having worn a bulletproof vest.
the "look elsewhere" option: exhausted.  looking anywhere else seems like a destiny toward a heroine overdose.
the "so what?" option: a damn lie.  living a lie is even harder than crying the tears of truth.
the "use it" option: painful.  as good as it sounds, who has ever found joy in being used?  feeling used is typically a declaration of having been manipulated and taken advantage of.
so on the options come and so on the options go; the futility of options is nonstop.
sleep could not come because the tears were nonstop.
tears kept coming and the thoughts were nonstop.
thoughts hit me hard; their truth was nonstop.

what's in a boo

i'm between corinne bailey rae's "trouble sleeping" and kenny latimore's "for you."
you might think i would have learned by now after the pb dibacle of 2010 that i shouldn't fall, but i'm a smitten kitten.
he didn't have to do much either, just tell me that he doesn't believe in divorce reminding me of what i once believed and say that children mean you stay together reminding me of the beautiful emanuel wedding.
i can't say that i'm head over feet, but i can say that i'm well on my way.
$%&#!

a greater love

it is newer and nicer.
it is my strength, yet i didn't embrace it.
it is straightforward, yet so hard to grasp.
it is here, now it's my turn to experience it.
i wanted it all for myself, yet knew its power was farther than just me.
i wanted to give it away, but its sweetness made me selfish for it.
i thought i wasn't worthy of it.
i will fight the enemy of it to my death...

an end to the shame spiral

i felt it, some kind of attack; i lashed out.
truth be told he didn't deserve it. he has a walk too. was i to scorn his walk, and put thorns in his way? was i to make him question what he knew, bring doubt into his belief in redemption? am i a warden? a crab in a barrel? that crab in reference to the fact that when you put crabs in a barrel every time one tries to climb out, the others pull it right back down...
"they are just people too..." -Debby, in reference to our discussion on men
on the grow it's tough to come to terms with all that i fail to understand, especially with all the growth that is already in motion. i try desperately to wrap my head around things that i really don't need to know at this point. one of the proverbs says it nicely when it speaks of not understanding everything along the way.
one man's ephiphany is another man's cliche, i once said.
i think i need to live this one: "let go and let God..."
and this one too, "take time in life, you('ve) got (a) far way to go..."

from mentor and friend to acquaintance

i don't know when it happened, but it did.

i think it was the day when i told her i liked hip-hop music.

she is a strong christian, sanctified, commanding the utmost respect.
she got a whole lot of mine, and i followed in kind in my faith, as best as i knew, to the point of almost losing myself... but so much of me remains.

i like hip-hop, still do, so i reminded myself of the lyrics that remain with me even now.

"i wanna take your misery, replace it with happiness but i need your faith in me, i'm a sucka for love..." - 2pac Shakur, "Sucka for Love"
"what (do) you call an infinite brawl, eternal souls clashin(g)? war gets deep, some beef is everlasting..." - Nas, "One Mic"
"i can't see them coming down my eyes, so i had to let the song cry..." - JayZ, "Song Cry"
"Never looking back or too far in front of me, The present is a gift and I just wanna be..." - Common, "Be"

i don't know if that's exactly why she flipped, but if she would take the time to listen as closely as i have, i think she might possibly like hip hop music too.

comfortable?

gotten comfortable with that which was not genuine or true.
that which was incomplete and insufficient.
that which was surface and supposed.

somehow, "seems" was better than the real deal.
there's nothing 100%, i thought.
nothing's perfect, i knew.
nothing lasts forever, i mused.

somehow, that was a comfort.

good thing that, truth be told,
Jesus is 100%, God's will is perfect, and His word lasts forever...

i need not settle for less than that comfort.

QOTD

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis

no voice

don't want it to have a voice, but it still comes up.
know it has no power, yet it swelters just beneath my surface waiting for a moment of weakness
don't want it to have a voice, but to deny its existence is falsehood.
understand that it's defenseless against the spirit within me, nevertheless there it is: anxious for me to let my guard down
won't dare let it escape my fingers,
can't let it bleed from my pen,
absolutely will not let it escape my lips,
because i don't want it to have a voice.