this time it's not eloquent

you know why?

because 

eloquent diminishes the pain i felt.

eloquent denies sitting here with the aches and feeble bandages that give 30 minute cures for an ailments i can only wake up to in a few hours.

eloquence is overrated.

i'm choosing real faith.

"real faith takes guts. raw courage.  iron conviction.  pure confidence.  even when it's painful to keep believing you keep pushing because you know where you're going and your doubt is no match for your determination…"

i will add the eloquence back in later.

almost lost my life...

holding in that breath.
though a realization of something much greater occurred:
it had been crooning since my youth; it is called the greatest love of all.
its truth sometime frustrates me, though more often frees me.
wanted so badly to have it externally first.
as in a taste,
as in a touch -- to resonate through my experience and deeply into my soul.
that was unrealistic; possibly short sighted.
for you see, greater is He who lives within me than he who is in the world.

...deep breath in… circa 2/1/14

we fog up the windows when we hold hands.
my old soul listens to 2nd that emotion and I cannot suppress my widest grin.
however;
the dynamic makes me nervous.
his practicality paired with my whimsicality can coexist, but just like our interlocked fingers I want to feel more than coexistence.
just want it all to be like when we fog up the windows when we hold hands.
…exhale...
…inhale...

iso (in search of)

I am an 'all in' type of girl, iso - an 'all in' type of man.
Though, why am I in search of,
when I should be sought after.
He does not want to be an afterthought just as I do not seek to be an afterthought.
He loved me first.
He never lets me go, even when I've given in to what's around me.
He never gives up for one second, though I give up for five seconds.
He loves me unconditionally, through my imperfections.
I know my love is strong and sufficient and sexy, and I also know that He is not him.
So, being that I do not believe in a 'zero sum game,'  will I be with my 1+1=10 man?
Will he look out for me and find me?
Will I be able to recognize him in all this noise?
Will he see strength and celebrate?
Will he see weakness and love?
Will he be here in rhema time?
The questions are open.
The statements are not.

some mary

some marry for money or politics.
I marry for neither.
some marry for citizenship or divorce.
I marry for neither.

I marry for love, faith, hope and the future.
we all know the greatest of these.

lega sea, lega nocean; singa song, singa pore.

looking back was the sin of the sea, the folly of the ocean.
how do I remember a single man's wedding? 
who's whose in this town?

a beautiful coastline?
a lovely scene?
was that all these people think about? 
all those people value?
what about what's real?
what about the reality of possibly losing the gorgeousness of a joyous ending?

the prayers continue.
 

he loves me, he loves me not

I met a King.
I don't want to rule, he said.
I couldn't help but ask, 'why king?'
I listened, and his answer sounded just like this:
'why would I want to rule without my queen?'
'I love her more than words, her joy is more precious than any    THING.'
'her smile lights my day.'
'her love knows no bounds, hers is a HUM.UN.GO.US. love.'
'her single child, would be THE child.'
'her single meal, would feed the nations.'
'yet, my rule says stay away, rule from afar.'
to hear.
to see.
the king with everything, including power, wanting only his queen.

as for me, I turned my face toward the hummingbird outside the window, and stared.

how wide how deep how great

how deep is your (L word) for me?
tell me, "what it is going to be?"
do you see yourself messing with a person like me?
on your own, or so all your friends are all going to see, now?
-a sisquo song

who can tell the difference between yesterday and today?

"keep your words nice and sweet in case you have to eat them."
-a queen i know


 

oh magnify the Lord with me

anger inside; the enemy LIEs.  what a scheme; when sitting next to a breakthrough. 

saying goodnight to ---

the runaround.
they think me, even me
deaf dumb crazy and stupid
trying 2 be just very very cool
when He knows the truth
they are wrong; two days behind and five caches short --
washing their hands of the matter
seeing the domesticated
seeing some perceived inefficacy
seeing not the big picture yet the small recent memory fragments
that man's world -
this hard examination
He also told me, don't you dare give up
speak up, hear down